I loved teaching high school students, but middle schoolers were the bane of my existence. The school at which I had the misfortune to teach, or attempt to teach, middle schoolers was filled with students who had been expelled from the two junior high schools in our district. I replaced a beloved English teacher in the middle of the semester, and the student counselor warned me that a group from my class had visited her before my first day to tell her they planned to drum me out of the classroom in the hope their old teacher would return. The two years I spent with these students was the most unhappy period of my life. Having lived through it, I offer ten basic rules for surviving the middle school experience.
Hello, brand-new middle school teacher! Welcome to the strange, remarkable world of middle schoolery. Herein lie a few basic tips on succeeding at your first-time position.
1. Remember that middle schoolers are a distinct breed. Sixth grade through eighth is inhabited by a creature known to educators as the adolescent in all its infantilized, entitled glory. Tread carefully wherever these creatures mingle as a group.
2. Tread carefully wherever these creatures pop out by themselves, as well. The middle school individual may never have laid eyes on you before or you on him, and you may never have heard of the other by name or reputation, yet, before the bell on the first day of class, the alert middle schooler will invariably shout a hearty greeting of “Fuck you!” so quickly that you’ll wonder if he could possibly mean you, the eager teacher who has brought treats for everyone in the room.
3. Of course he means you. He is testing boundaries. (Or he is a nascent sociopath. Remain open to each option.) You may respond with either of two replies:
a. “Sit down, you conflicted, yet lovable, adolescent! Let me show you by word and deed that I mean you no harm.”
Or you may go with
“Well, fuck you AND your mother! I’ll show you who’s boss in this classroom!”
4. Either way, the situation is bound to devolve rapidly into a state of anarchy in which you are the straw effigy on fire every day of the school week. On rare occasions, the situation will slowly devolve over time, but rest assured that it is in fact a downward spiral in which you are the loser. You may resist this label, or embrace it. The middle schoolers don’t care which choice you make. In any event, by the end of the first week, they will be passing a note around the classroom purported to have been written by you, describing a scatological encounter you supposedly had with a twelve-year-old.
5. Get used to waking up every day feeling as if you are about to face a firing squad. You are. The boy who moos incessantly like a cow throughout English class holds the metaphorical rifle with the live ammunition, and the girl who surreptitiously dismantles all the desks with an Allen wrench offers the coup de grâce.
6. If you believe that over the course of the semester, you are going insane, have no doubt on that score. You are, indeed.
7. Start looking for a new job, preferably before the middle school position even begins.
8. Don’t expect a letter of recommendation from the administrators, who seem genuinely shocked that your students care more about destroying your good name and peace of mind than actually learning a fact or two about grammar. These administrators have never been alone in a room packed with frenzied middle schoolers.
9. Choose a field other than education as your next endeavor. You won’t be hired by another school, even if it is a community college, perceived as you will be as a failure at education. For some reason, administrators don’t know the difference between middle schoolers and college students, though, admittedly, a good number of college students remain infantilized, entitled adolescents, no matter their age or size.
10. Cheer up. You will get used to post traumatic stress syndrome. And remember, no matter what job you undertake, life is hell.
Hello, brand-new middle school teacher! Welcome to the strange, remarkable world of middle schoolery. Herein lie a few basic tips on succeeding at your first-time position.
1. Remember that middle schoolers are a distinct breed. Sixth grade through eighth is inhabited by a creature known to educators as the adolescent in all its infantilized, entitled glory. Tread carefully wherever these creatures mingle as a group.
2. Tread carefully wherever these creatures pop out by themselves, as well. The middle school individual may never have laid eyes on you before or you on him, and you may never have heard of the other by name or reputation, yet, before the bell on the first day of class, the alert middle schooler will invariably shout a hearty greeting of “Fuck you!” so quickly that you’ll wonder if he could possibly mean you, the eager teacher who has brought treats for everyone in the room.
3. Of course he means you. He is testing boundaries. (Or he is a nascent sociopath. Remain open to each option.) You may respond with either of two replies:
a. “Sit down, you conflicted, yet lovable, adolescent! Let me show you by word and deed that I mean you no harm.”
Or you may go with
“Well, fuck you AND your mother! I’ll show you who’s boss in this classroom!”
4. Either way, the situation is bound to devolve rapidly into a state of anarchy in which you are the straw effigy on fire every day of the school week. On rare occasions, the situation will slowly devolve over time, but rest assured that it is in fact a downward spiral in which you are the loser. You may resist this label, or embrace it. The middle schoolers don’t care which choice you make. In any event, by the end of the first week, they will be passing a note around the classroom purported to have been written by you, describing a scatological encounter you supposedly had with a twelve-year-old.
5. Get used to waking up every day feeling as if you are about to face a firing squad. You are. The boy who moos incessantly like a cow throughout English class holds the metaphorical rifle with the live ammunition, and the girl who surreptitiously dismantles all the desks with an Allen wrench offers the coup de grâce.
6. If you believe that over the course of the semester, you are going insane, have no doubt on that score. You are, indeed.
7. Start looking for a new job, preferably before the middle school position even begins.
8. Don’t expect a letter of recommendation from the administrators, who seem genuinely shocked that your students care more about destroying your good name and peace of mind than actually learning a fact or two about grammar. These administrators have never been alone in a room packed with frenzied middle schoolers.
9. Choose a field other than education as your next endeavor. You won’t be hired by another school, even if it is a community college, perceived as you will be as a failure at education. For some reason, administrators don’t know the difference between middle schoolers and college students, though, admittedly, a good number of college students remain infantilized, entitled adolescents, no matter their age or size.
10. Cheer up. You will get used to post traumatic stress syndrome. And remember, no matter what job you undertake, life is hell.