by Judy Mandelbaum
(who doesn’t realize that the Mars One Project isn’t run by NASA)
Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3...
Honey, is this thing hooked up? I’ve got these headphones on to make my recording, but every time I talk, I hear what I just said through my left ear. And honky-tonk music through my right! Okay, just ignore me.
Now, which button do I push?
Hello, NASA, I have just pushed a button and my name is Judy Mandelbaum, housewife, Lyndhurst, New Jersey. My husband, Dr. Hillel Mandelbaum, D.D.S., told me about your exciting Mars vacation program and suggested I sign up for it. I know you’ve got an exclusive list for the upcoming voyage, so let me tell you a few things about why I, Judy Mandelbaum, would make an ideal candidate for a one-way trip to Mars, which, I understand, is a neighboring planet in our solar system.
Well, first, I love to travel and can pack my whole closet in a matter of minutes, as soon as you give me the word.
Next, I don’t get motion sick so very often.
I can hold my breath for a really long time, which should come in handy if there’s an oxygen leak in the rocket ship, am I right?
Let’s see... Oh! About establishing a settlement on the red planet. It may not be important, but red is my favorite color. I should blend in nicely.
Okay, about the living arrangements. I can fit really big things into really small places. You should just see my closet. So, you see, I’ll be able to manage easily in those little tiny houses you plan to build.
I have always done my own interior decorating. I can decorate the other colonists’ houses, too.
How many other colonists are going on the first voyage, Hillel? What??!!!
Hmm. Well, I’m a master at keeping a conversation going, so just three other people, while kind of a small group, it shouldn’t be so very difficult to make friends.
Also considering all the jobs, such as dusting and vacuuming, and such a small team, I can make it work. Is it true that Mars is a very dusty planet? It looks like it in the pictures.
I don’t have a driver’s license, so I won’t miss driving. Listen, just being a passenger on the New Jersey Turnpike is hair-raising, so walking through a few tunnels to visit the neighbors would be a pleasure.
I’m a good cook.
I’m not a coffee drinker. Although, sometimes, in the hot weather, a little iced coffee-- why not?
Hill, what’s the name of my favorite dessert? You know, the one I get at Costagliano’s?
NASA, my favorite dessert is Bananas Foster. Which is strange, because I don’t like bananas. Do they grow bananas on Mars?
I can bring my own DVD collection.
I really don’t watch TV, except maybe for Ellen, Oprah, and Judge Judy, so I wouldn’t miss it. Oh, and The Good Wife, NCIS, The Mentalist (but that’s gone off the air), and Mad Men (but that’s going off the air, too). Wait, also Game of Thrones, American Horror Show, and the Friends reruns on Netflix. So you see, I don’t watch much TV. Unless you count also The View, The Talk, and Dr. Phil. And The Blacklist, and I did watch a couple of episodes of The Walking Dead. I actually like the whole line-up on The Food Channel, especially the cake-baking shows. And, oh my God, I love everything on Animal Planet, especially the shows with horses and cats. One more: I would never miss The Voice! Or Project Runway. Or American Idol. Or America’s Got Talent. And America’s Next Top Model. You see, I love America!
I saw a few episodes of Cosmos with Carl Sagan in my senior year science class when we had a substitute teacher for a week.
That’s why I would make such a successful American cosmetologist.
And I can go for hours without having to pee! I think that’s an important thing to consider when choosing someone to ride for a long time in space.
Please accept me as a cosmetologist for Mars One. And if not One, maybe Two or Three. If you fill up Mars, surely there must be some other planets you might consider colonizing, like the moon.
Thank you, and please get back to me before my twins’ bat mitzvahs. We’re all going on a cruise to Israel for two weeks afterwards, and I don’t know if ships can communicate with land while at sea.
Oh, and just on a closing note, NASA, Hubby assures me that although life expectancy on Mars is about sixty days, nine chances out of ten the trip will kill me. I’m not so very worried about it. Hubby says those are very good odds.
(who doesn’t realize that the Mars One Project isn’t run by NASA)
Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3...
Honey, is this thing hooked up? I’ve got these headphones on to make my recording, but every time I talk, I hear what I just said through my left ear. And honky-tonk music through my right! Okay, just ignore me.
Now, which button do I push?
Hello, NASA, I have just pushed a button and my name is Judy Mandelbaum, housewife, Lyndhurst, New Jersey. My husband, Dr. Hillel Mandelbaum, D.D.S., told me about your exciting Mars vacation program and suggested I sign up for it. I know you’ve got an exclusive list for the upcoming voyage, so let me tell you a few things about why I, Judy Mandelbaum, would make an ideal candidate for a one-way trip to Mars, which, I understand, is a neighboring planet in our solar system.
Well, first, I love to travel and can pack my whole closet in a matter of minutes, as soon as you give me the word.
Next, I don’t get motion sick so very often.
I can hold my breath for a really long time, which should come in handy if there’s an oxygen leak in the rocket ship, am I right?
Let’s see... Oh! About establishing a settlement on the red planet. It may not be important, but red is my favorite color. I should blend in nicely.
Okay, about the living arrangements. I can fit really big things into really small places. You should just see my closet. So, you see, I’ll be able to manage easily in those little tiny houses you plan to build.
I have always done my own interior decorating. I can decorate the other colonists’ houses, too.
How many other colonists are going on the first voyage, Hillel? What??!!!
Hmm. Well, I’m a master at keeping a conversation going, so just three other people, while kind of a small group, it shouldn’t be so very difficult to make friends.
Also considering all the jobs, such as dusting and vacuuming, and such a small team, I can make it work. Is it true that Mars is a very dusty planet? It looks like it in the pictures.
I don’t have a driver’s license, so I won’t miss driving. Listen, just being a passenger on the New Jersey Turnpike is hair-raising, so walking through a few tunnels to visit the neighbors would be a pleasure.
I’m a good cook.
I’m not a coffee drinker. Although, sometimes, in the hot weather, a little iced coffee-- why not?
Hill, what’s the name of my favorite dessert? You know, the one I get at Costagliano’s?
NASA, my favorite dessert is Bananas Foster. Which is strange, because I don’t like bananas. Do they grow bananas on Mars?
I can bring my own DVD collection.
I really don’t watch TV, except maybe for Ellen, Oprah, and Judge Judy, so I wouldn’t miss it. Oh, and The Good Wife, NCIS, The Mentalist (but that’s gone off the air), and Mad Men (but that’s going off the air, too). Wait, also Game of Thrones, American Horror Show, and the Friends reruns on Netflix. So you see, I don’t watch much TV. Unless you count also The View, The Talk, and Dr. Phil. And The Blacklist, and I did watch a couple of episodes of The Walking Dead. I actually like the whole line-up on The Food Channel, especially the cake-baking shows. And, oh my God, I love everything on Animal Planet, especially the shows with horses and cats. One more: I would never miss The Voice! Or Project Runway. Or American Idol. Or America’s Got Talent. And America’s Next Top Model. You see, I love America!
I saw a few episodes of Cosmos with Carl Sagan in my senior year science class when we had a substitute teacher for a week.
That’s why I would make such a successful American cosmetologist.
And I can go for hours without having to pee! I think that’s an important thing to consider when choosing someone to ride for a long time in space.
Please accept me as a cosmetologist for Mars One. And if not One, maybe Two or Three. If you fill up Mars, surely there must be some other planets you might consider colonizing, like the moon.
Thank you, and please get back to me before my twins’ bat mitzvahs. We’re all going on a cruise to Israel for two weeks afterwards, and I don’t know if ships can communicate with land while at sea.
Oh, and just on a closing note, NASA, Hubby assures me that although life expectancy on Mars is about sixty days, nine chances out of ten the trip will kill me. I’m not so very worried about it. Hubby says those are very good odds.