Note: Based loosely on the real Lizzie Borden and her family. Lizzie was accused and acquitted of murdering her parents. She probably did kill them.
(Time: March 1892.
Place: Fall River, MA. The cramped living room of the Borden family. Lizzie, a spinster in her thirties, has been thinking about hacking her parents to death with an ax, but then has a better idea.)
Mr. Borden (to his daughter): Lizzie! Have I not warned you time and time again about the dangers of interbreeding your pigeons with the bats in the barn?
Lizzie: Pshaw, I was only trying to make my own virus.
Mr. Borden: Well, indeed, you have succeeded, young lady, and now your step-mother, Mrs. Borden, has a dry, wracking cough and a tightness in her chest. We’d know if she were running a fever, but thermometers haven’t been invented yet.
Uncle John: My goodness, Andrew, you know I perfected the modern mercury thermometer in my lab just this past Friday, although naysayers would insist it’s been around for hundreds of years.
(Mrs. Borden coughs.)
Emma (Lizzie’s sister): Next thing, you’ll claim you invented the ventilator!
Uncle John: AND the N95 respirator mask, you little hussy!
(Mr. Borden coughs.)
Bridget (the maid): Faith and begorrah, I believe I have chills, so I do.
Lizzie: You’re just trying to get out of window-washing, you layabout.
(Emma coughs.)
Uncle John (to Emma): Pray stay at least six feet away from me, niece. (Mulls statement over.) And the rest of you, six feet at least!
Lizzie: Then, pray remove your hand from inside my bodice, Uncle. Six feet away, indeed!
(Uncle John coughs. Mr. and Mrs. Borden collapse.)
Lizzie (brandishing the family ax): Well, looks like I’ll not have need of this.
(Lizzie coughs.)
(Time: March 1892.
Place: Fall River, MA. The cramped living room of the Borden family. Lizzie, a spinster in her thirties, has been thinking about hacking her parents to death with an ax, but then has a better idea.)
Mr. Borden (to his daughter): Lizzie! Have I not warned you time and time again about the dangers of interbreeding your pigeons with the bats in the barn?
Lizzie: Pshaw, I was only trying to make my own virus.
Mr. Borden: Well, indeed, you have succeeded, young lady, and now your step-mother, Mrs. Borden, has a dry, wracking cough and a tightness in her chest. We’d know if she were running a fever, but thermometers haven’t been invented yet.
Uncle John: My goodness, Andrew, you know I perfected the modern mercury thermometer in my lab just this past Friday, although naysayers would insist it’s been around for hundreds of years.
(Mrs. Borden coughs.)
Emma (Lizzie’s sister): Next thing, you’ll claim you invented the ventilator!
Uncle John: AND the N95 respirator mask, you little hussy!
(Mr. Borden coughs.)
Bridget (the maid): Faith and begorrah, I believe I have chills, so I do.
Lizzie: You’re just trying to get out of window-washing, you layabout.
(Emma coughs.)
Uncle John (to Emma): Pray stay at least six feet away from me, niece. (Mulls statement over.) And the rest of you, six feet at least!
Lizzie: Then, pray remove your hand from inside my bodice, Uncle. Six feet away, indeed!
(Uncle John coughs. Mr. and Mrs. Borden collapse.)
Lizzie (brandishing the family ax): Well, looks like I’ll not have need of this.
(Lizzie coughs.)