I wrote this a few years ago.
Draft of News Article for Dad’s Newspaper
By Absalom Van Wyck
(Summing up the tidings from the 2nd Continental Congress in Philadelphia:
Today in Philadelphia— I’m not quite sure of the date, having spent a rather debauched, excessively long weekend at the Fraunces Tavern in NYC and then traveling by tinker’s cart to this unfamiliar city— as I was saying, today in Philadelphia, oppressive heat is accompanied by theatrical rumblings from gray, lowering clouds.
Much earlier in the day than I would have liked, I took my seat in the Pennsylvania State House as the meeting of the delegates began.
First, Congressional President John Hancock rapped his gavel. I was still so hungover that my head split like a poorly cast iron bell.)
Hancock: The meeting will come to order. Gentlemen, we’re assembled today to unanimously adopt the Declaration of Independence, so painstakingly drafted by committee here.
Thomas Jefferson: (Irritably) Committee?
Hancock: (Ignoring him) Remember, we must be in agreement on everything. As Ben Franklin likes to say, “We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.” Now, I see by my Apple Watch Series 2 that it is July 3rd, 1776.
Jefferson: I’m looking at the calendar and I see that it is, in fact, July 4th.
John Adams: I have a Samsung Gear S3 Frontier. I say it could be the 2nd, but I can’t read this thing without my spectacles.
Richard Henry Lee: A Misfit Phase here. I think it’s still June, no?
Benjamin Franklin: I’ve got a Fossil Q Founder.
Adams: (Muttering) You would.
Franklin: I’m pretty sure it’s 1776, tho’ I can’t read the month.
Lewis Morris: I still write 1775 on my checks.
Hancock: The date doesn’t really matter. Nobody will remember it. Let’s deal with any old business before we move on to the Declaration.
Jefferson: (Reading from the minutes) Last time we addressed a disagreement between Mr. Jefferson and Mr. Adams. Jefferson argued a lizard can grow back its tail if he loses it. Adams claimed that the tail can grow back into a lizard should the appendage be separated from the creature.
(Both Adams and Jefferson opened their mouths to speak but the NY delegate cut them off.)
Morris: I’d like to move on to some other old business, if I may, Mr. President. (To Franklin) How is the GoFundMe page coming along for your gout, B.F.?
Franklin: So far I have received four shillings, twelve pence, and a dozen eggs. I concocted a delightful shampoo from the eggs and washed my hair until it gleamed. My children, who are pretty hungry and would have enjoyed eating the eggs, can set up their own GoFundMe pages if they want food.
Morris: (Picking up a newspaper) Tut tut! I see a journalist has complained that he was body-slammed by a politician.
(As a journalist, I decided to offer a remark.)
Van Wyck: I am a reporter for The New York Knickerbocker News, and I have been body-slammed by virtually every politician I have interviewed, from John Adams to James Madison.
Hancock: Mr. Van Wyck, I think it is? I have heard of you by reputation. I must tell you that you have no standing in this body to offer comments.
(John Adams took the opportunity to smirk.)
Hancock: By the way, Pennsylvania is missing from the assembly today because John Dickinson claims to be sick.
(Despite Hancock’s admonishment, I felt the need to speak again.)
Van Wyck: Bah! After watching a Punch and Judy show sponsored by General Washington at the Morris Mansion, I fell ill with head congestion and sneezing. [I am allergic to puppets.] I self-medicated with leeches, which did no good, but that's because Dad says the correct application is to affix them to one's skin, not to swallow a dozen of them whole.
Hancock: You have been advised, Mr. Van Wyck. No one wants to hear about your leeches.
Jefferson: Mr. President, I believe Mr. Dickinson has stayed away intentionally so that we might have a unanimous agreement on my Declaration.
Hancock: Teamwork, Mr. Jefferson, teamwork. I believe five others have contributed to the Declaration.
(Jefferson looked sourly at Adams.)
Morris: Mr. President, tho’ NY is in attendance, and we fervently agree with all precepts contained within the document in question, we have not received instructions from the NY Provincial Congress about how to vote; therefore, we must abstain.
(Belatedly I remembered that it was I who was to deliver the instructions, but I had been pre-occupied at my tailor’s and never fetched them.
It was a fortunate errand, however, as I now sported an eye-catching Royal Blue wool coat, trimmed at collar and cuff with chihuahua fur and piped with burgundy sateen. The waistcoat was Turkey Red and fashioned from moleskin. My wool breeches were a mix of thin Royal Blue and burgundy stripes. My wool stockings were Royal Blue, and my shoes, cobbled in France, exhibited bold brass buckles shaped like crowns. My snowy white linen and cravat completed the outfit.
Wait— did I mention my buttons? They were whalebone covered with Royal Blue wool and, like my buckles, resembled little crowns.
You can imagine my surprise when John Adams approached me, tore off my buttons, and tossed them out the window. Thank goodness he didn't notice the buckles.
I saw that Lee was getting restless.)
Lee: Mr. President, the Congress may recall that earlier this year— I’m not sure of the date— I made a motion to declare independence from Britain. I believe we should address that as new business.
Hancock: Now, now, Mr. Lee, before we get to that, your good wife has sent up twenty-four jars of homemade Stratford Hall Honey and wishes payment of a shilling per jar by the end of June, July, or August, whichever month comes first.
Adams: I’d like five jars if you’ll take an old hat of mine as payment.
Lee: Sold!
Jefferson: Ten jars for two hats?
Lee: I suppose I could work that out, though I have need of only so many hats. I already have one, which seems enough to me.
Morris: I’ll take the rest for a paring knife with a tortoise shell handle.
Lee: We were hoping for a little cash from somebody here.
Hancock: Gentlemen, we shall have to adjourn for lunch, and discuss other new business this afternoon.
(I returned later as the delegates were voting on some issue or other. I was hot and tired, so dozed off intermittently for the rest of the day, tho’ I seem to recall that Congress declared independence from someone or something, but I didn’t catch who or what it was. All I remember distinctly is that Jefferson said it was Thursday, yet Adams insisted it had to be any other day of the week but that. I also have a vague recollection of the delegates’ squabbling that the quill pen they needed to sign an important document was missing. I discovered belatedly that it had been I who’d taken the pen in order to write this article.)
Draft of News Article for Dad’s Newspaper
By Absalom Van Wyck
(Summing up the tidings from the 2nd Continental Congress in Philadelphia:
Today in Philadelphia— I’m not quite sure of the date, having spent a rather debauched, excessively long weekend at the Fraunces Tavern in NYC and then traveling by tinker’s cart to this unfamiliar city— as I was saying, today in Philadelphia, oppressive heat is accompanied by theatrical rumblings from gray, lowering clouds.
Much earlier in the day than I would have liked, I took my seat in the Pennsylvania State House as the meeting of the delegates began.
First, Congressional President John Hancock rapped his gavel. I was still so hungover that my head split like a poorly cast iron bell.)
Hancock: The meeting will come to order. Gentlemen, we’re assembled today to unanimously adopt the Declaration of Independence, so painstakingly drafted by committee here.
Thomas Jefferson: (Irritably) Committee?
Hancock: (Ignoring him) Remember, we must be in agreement on everything. As Ben Franklin likes to say, “We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.” Now, I see by my Apple Watch Series 2 that it is July 3rd, 1776.
Jefferson: I’m looking at the calendar and I see that it is, in fact, July 4th.
John Adams: I have a Samsung Gear S3 Frontier. I say it could be the 2nd, but I can’t read this thing without my spectacles.
Richard Henry Lee: A Misfit Phase here. I think it’s still June, no?
Benjamin Franklin: I’ve got a Fossil Q Founder.
Adams: (Muttering) You would.
Franklin: I’m pretty sure it’s 1776, tho’ I can’t read the month.
Lewis Morris: I still write 1775 on my checks.
Hancock: The date doesn’t really matter. Nobody will remember it. Let’s deal with any old business before we move on to the Declaration.
Jefferson: (Reading from the minutes) Last time we addressed a disagreement between Mr. Jefferson and Mr. Adams. Jefferson argued a lizard can grow back its tail if he loses it. Adams claimed that the tail can grow back into a lizard should the appendage be separated from the creature.
(Both Adams and Jefferson opened their mouths to speak but the NY delegate cut them off.)
Morris: I’d like to move on to some other old business, if I may, Mr. President. (To Franklin) How is the GoFundMe page coming along for your gout, B.F.?
Franklin: So far I have received four shillings, twelve pence, and a dozen eggs. I concocted a delightful shampoo from the eggs and washed my hair until it gleamed. My children, who are pretty hungry and would have enjoyed eating the eggs, can set up their own GoFundMe pages if they want food.
Morris: (Picking up a newspaper) Tut tut! I see a journalist has complained that he was body-slammed by a politician.
(As a journalist, I decided to offer a remark.)
Van Wyck: I am a reporter for The New York Knickerbocker News, and I have been body-slammed by virtually every politician I have interviewed, from John Adams to James Madison.
Hancock: Mr. Van Wyck, I think it is? I have heard of you by reputation. I must tell you that you have no standing in this body to offer comments.
(John Adams took the opportunity to smirk.)
Hancock: By the way, Pennsylvania is missing from the assembly today because John Dickinson claims to be sick.
(Despite Hancock’s admonishment, I felt the need to speak again.)
Van Wyck: Bah! After watching a Punch and Judy show sponsored by General Washington at the Morris Mansion, I fell ill with head congestion and sneezing. [I am allergic to puppets.] I self-medicated with leeches, which did no good, but that's because Dad says the correct application is to affix them to one's skin, not to swallow a dozen of them whole.
Hancock: You have been advised, Mr. Van Wyck. No one wants to hear about your leeches.
Jefferson: Mr. President, I believe Mr. Dickinson has stayed away intentionally so that we might have a unanimous agreement on my Declaration.
Hancock: Teamwork, Mr. Jefferson, teamwork. I believe five others have contributed to the Declaration.
(Jefferson looked sourly at Adams.)
Morris: Mr. President, tho’ NY is in attendance, and we fervently agree with all precepts contained within the document in question, we have not received instructions from the NY Provincial Congress about how to vote; therefore, we must abstain.
(Belatedly I remembered that it was I who was to deliver the instructions, but I had been pre-occupied at my tailor’s and never fetched them.
It was a fortunate errand, however, as I now sported an eye-catching Royal Blue wool coat, trimmed at collar and cuff with chihuahua fur and piped with burgundy sateen. The waistcoat was Turkey Red and fashioned from moleskin. My wool breeches were a mix of thin Royal Blue and burgundy stripes. My wool stockings were Royal Blue, and my shoes, cobbled in France, exhibited bold brass buckles shaped like crowns. My snowy white linen and cravat completed the outfit.
Wait— did I mention my buttons? They were whalebone covered with Royal Blue wool and, like my buckles, resembled little crowns.
You can imagine my surprise when John Adams approached me, tore off my buttons, and tossed them out the window. Thank goodness he didn't notice the buckles.
I saw that Lee was getting restless.)
Lee: Mr. President, the Congress may recall that earlier this year— I’m not sure of the date— I made a motion to declare independence from Britain. I believe we should address that as new business.
Hancock: Now, now, Mr. Lee, before we get to that, your good wife has sent up twenty-four jars of homemade Stratford Hall Honey and wishes payment of a shilling per jar by the end of June, July, or August, whichever month comes first.
Adams: I’d like five jars if you’ll take an old hat of mine as payment.
Lee: Sold!
Jefferson: Ten jars for two hats?
Lee: I suppose I could work that out, though I have need of only so many hats. I already have one, which seems enough to me.
Morris: I’ll take the rest for a paring knife with a tortoise shell handle.
Lee: We were hoping for a little cash from somebody here.
Hancock: Gentlemen, we shall have to adjourn for lunch, and discuss other new business this afternoon.
(I returned later as the delegates were voting on some issue or other. I was hot and tired, so dozed off intermittently for the rest of the day, tho’ I seem to recall that Congress declared independence from someone or something, but I didn’t catch who or what it was. All I remember distinctly is that Jefferson said it was Thursday, yet Adams insisted it had to be any other day of the week but that. I also have a vague recollection of the delegates’ squabbling that the quill pen they needed to sign an important document was missing. I discovered belatedly that it had been I who’d taken the pen in order to write this article.)