Written several years ago.
Alternate Title: These Three Ladies Write Their Own Comic Material
(Direct Quotes, and Phrases Referring to Direct Quotes, from Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, & Christine O’Donnell are in bold face. Lines from the format of the day-time show Judge Judy adhere as strictly as possible to the source.)
“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclination, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.” –John Adams
The Tea Party tried, but failed, to take over our government in recent national elections. Perhaps the reason for this good fortune was the lawsuit I brought against Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Christine O’Donnell in Judge Judy’s courtroom back in the summer of 2011. You’re welcome! Transcript follows:
The Case: Culper v. Palin, et al (Note: Culper is not really my last name.)
Announcer: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final.
Culper is suing Palin, et al, for defaming the name of the original Tea Party patriots.
Palin says Culper has no legal standing to bring suit and is countersuing for her suspicion that Culper believes in global warming, gay marriage, and public breast-feeding.
JJ: (Gives synopses of both claims.) We’ll take the countersuit first, for the simple reason that if Ms. Palin is correct that the plaintiff has no legal standing, then Ms. Culper’s case is rendered moot. Byrd, call the plaintiff forward and swear her in. (The bailiff does so.) Ms. Culper, explain to me why you think you may legitimately represent the original Tea Party patriots.
KC: Pleased to, your Honor. You see, when we were cleaning out my mother’s attic after she passed away, we found this box of eyeballs...
JJ: Eyeballs?!
KC: Yes, your Honor. Not glass eyeballs, but made out of something, we don’t know quite what, and we can’t ask an ophthalmologist because my sister threw them away. I think they were blue.
JJ: You’re a lunatic, madam. These eyeballs, whatever color they were, I don’t care-- blue, green, plaid-- they have no bearing on your relationship to the original Tea Party patriots.
KC: I’m coming to that, your Honor. There were some really old photographs, too. One was of an incredibly ancient lady sitting in a chair on her lawn. I think she was my great-great-grandmother. One of her eyes was closed, or, at least, partially closed. You know, really droopy.
JJ (tapping her watch): I’m getting extremely impatient with you, madam. You have exactly two minutes to complete your testimony. Go!
KC: Well, I think the eyeballs maybe belonged to her.
JJ: And?
KC: I think one of them was a spare eyeball.
JJ: Enough with the eyeballs! (Taps her watch again.)
KC: Okay, so there were also these scraps of paper, you know, like backs of envelopes...
JJ: Don’t look down there, look up here!
KC: Sorry, your Honor. My grandmother was very frugal...
JJ: Take your hands out of your pockets!
KC: Sorry! My grandmother was, you know, interested in her family tree, and using her information, I googled some names and found out that we’re related to Nathan Hale and the Culper Spy Ring of lower New York State. They were the intelligencers who actually won the Revolutionary War. You see, George Washington was an astonishingly poor battlefield tactician, but he was really sly.
JJ: If I hear one more word out of you that doesn’t have to do with an answer to my question, your case is dismissed. Do we understand each other? Perfect.
KC: Well, I’m descended from the original patriots and it really tears me up that the defendant and her cohorts go around saying such stupid things and making my relatives look bad. Now, if you’d just let me finish up about the eyeballs...
Palin: Your Honor, I’d like to refudiate, if I may.
JJ: Excuse me?
Palin: I’d like to refudiate.
JJ: To refute, you mean? Or repudiate? Please speak English, madam.
Palin: Well, gee, I guess I’d like to refudiate your comment, too, Judge. I’m simply contributin’ to the livin’ language, much as Shakespeare did. I think you misunderestimate me.
[“Misunderestimate” is a word coined by George W. Bush, our forty-third president.]
JJ: I think that would be impossible, Ms. Palin. Please get to the point. (Taps watch.)
Palin: Thank you! I’d like to call my first witness, Christine O’Donnell, to the stand.
JJ: Ms. O’Donnell is a litigant in this suit. She cannot be a witness. Glenn Beck is your witness. Where is he, by the way?
Palin: Excuse me, your Honor. Mr. Beck is too busy teabaggin’ to appear in court today.
JJ: Really, Ms. Palin? Teabagging? Do you Teabaggers actually know the meaning of “teabagging”?
Palin: I object, your Honor!
O’Donnell: Sustained!
JJ: None of you seems to know your role as a defendant in a court of law, but at least we’re off the subject of eyeballs. (To bailiff) Byrd, call Ms. O’Donnell forward and swear her in. (He does so.)
O’Donnell: A pleasure to be here, Judge! I am not a witch!
JJ: We are not in Salem, Ms. O’Donnell. What do you have to add to Ms. Palin’s countersuit?
O’Donnell: Simply this, your Honor. That American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.
JJ: Sit down, madam. Byrd, get me an Advil and a glass of water. (He does so. Judge Judy takes the Advil.) Ms. Culper, regardless of your legal standing, I’d like to explore the complaint that Ms. Palin, et al, misrepresent the original Tea Party. Somebody has to explore it. Byrd, call Ms. Palin back and swear her in. (Done.) Ms. Palin, please explain to the court your understanding of Paul Revere and what he stands for in American history.
Palin: Yes, Paul Revere! He who warned, uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh, by ringin’ those bells, and um, makin' sure as he's ridin’ his horse through town to send those warnin’ shots and bells that we were gonna be sure and we were gonna be free, and we were gonna be armed.
JJ: Warning shots and bells, hmm?
Palin: Yes, upholdin’ the 19th Amendment.
JJ: Establishing women’s suffrage.
Palin: Exactly.
JJ: Sit down, Ms. Palin. I think I have just enough patience to listen to Ms. Bachmann’s testimony, but no more.
KC: I object, your Honor! What about my witness, Harvey Pantz?
JJ: Correct me if I’m wrong, Ms. Culper, but your witness, Mr. Pantz, appears to be a graying, toothless house cat.
KC: Not only graying and toothless, but also suffering from Feline Geriatric Vestibular Syndrome. Or, for a layman like yourself, ma’am, vertigo.
JJ: Perfect. Does Mr. Pantz have anything of substance to add to your complaint?
KC: Well, no, he’s just a cat. Although, since my sister maintains she didn’t throw those eyeballs away, I suspect Harvey may have swallowed them. And it was all I had left of my great-great-grandmother. He even ate the photographs.
JJ: (Takes off her watch and smashes it with her gavel.) Byrd, please call Ms. Bachmann forward and swear her in. I may be the highest paid television personality, but I deserve every penny. Sometimes I think even my forty-seven-million dollars a year isn’t enough. (Byrd swears Ms. Bachmann in.) Ms. Bachmann, I’ve read Ms. Culper’s written testimony, and I’d like to ask you a few questions pertaining to speeches you’ve made and interviews you’ve given.
Bachmann: Delighted, Judge!
JJ: First, please tell me the importance of New Hampshire in the founding of our nation.
Bachmann: Why, yes, New Hampshire is the state where the shot was heard ’round the world at Lexington and Concord.
JJ: Despite the fact that Lexington and Concord are in Massachusetts.
Bachmann: It was a very loud shot. I’ll bet they even heard it in the Twin Cities of Minneapolis–Saint Paul. Or anywhere in the sixth congressional district of Minnesota. It may even have blasted the windows out of the finer restaurants near the State Capitol Building. It was that loud. Such a shame, really.
JJ: Ms. Bachmann, did you really assert that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until slavery was “no more” in the United States?
Bachmann: You should know that, your Honor. It’s in the Bill of Rights.
JJ: Amendment number?
Bachmann: Six, I believe.
JJ: The right to a speedy trial.
Bachmann: Yes.
JJ: Not today, I’m afraid. And I had a hairdresser’s appointment at 2. One last question. Who was John Quincy Adams? You’ve claimed he was one of the Founding Fathers.
Bachmann: Well, of course.
JJ: Born in 1767? He was nine years old in 1776.
Bachmann: So?
JJ: Do you know the significance of 1776 in American history?
Bachmann: I’m not sure, but I’ll bet it has something to do with Elvis Presley.
JJ: Another Founding Father?
Bachmann: Yes, and without question an American icon.
JJ: I’ve heard enough. The court rules in favor of the plaintiff.
(The judge, gathering her papers, leaves the bench. The defendants argue among themselves about monkeys and evolution. Ms. O’Donnell, a lone voice in the judicial wilderness, raises the topic of chastity and the “m” word. Ms. Culper reaches into a coat pocket and, much to her surprise and pleasure, retrieves several prosthetic eyeballs.)
Alternate Title: These Three Ladies Write Their Own Comic Material
(Direct Quotes, and Phrases Referring to Direct Quotes, from Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, & Christine O’Donnell are in bold face. Lines from the format of the day-time show Judge Judy adhere as strictly as possible to the source.)
“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclination, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.” –John Adams
The Tea Party tried, but failed, to take over our government in recent national elections. Perhaps the reason for this good fortune was the lawsuit I brought against Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Christine O’Donnell in Judge Judy’s courtroom back in the summer of 2011. You’re welcome! Transcript follows:
The Case: Culper v. Palin, et al (Note: Culper is not really my last name.)
Announcer: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final.
Culper is suing Palin, et al, for defaming the name of the original Tea Party patriots.
Palin says Culper has no legal standing to bring suit and is countersuing for her suspicion that Culper believes in global warming, gay marriage, and public breast-feeding.
JJ: (Gives synopses of both claims.) We’ll take the countersuit first, for the simple reason that if Ms. Palin is correct that the plaintiff has no legal standing, then Ms. Culper’s case is rendered moot. Byrd, call the plaintiff forward and swear her in. (The bailiff does so.) Ms. Culper, explain to me why you think you may legitimately represent the original Tea Party patriots.
KC: Pleased to, your Honor. You see, when we were cleaning out my mother’s attic after she passed away, we found this box of eyeballs...
JJ: Eyeballs?!
KC: Yes, your Honor. Not glass eyeballs, but made out of something, we don’t know quite what, and we can’t ask an ophthalmologist because my sister threw them away. I think they were blue.
JJ: You’re a lunatic, madam. These eyeballs, whatever color they were, I don’t care-- blue, green, plaid-- they have no bearing on your relationship to the original Tea Party patriots.
KC: I’m coming to that, your Honor. There were some really old photographs, too. One was of an incredibly ancient lady sitting in a chair on her lawn. I think she was my great-great-grandmother. One of her eyes was closed, or, at least, partially closed. You know, really droopy.
JJ (tapping her watch): I’m getting extremely impatient with you, madam. You have exactly two minutes to complete your testimony. Go!
KC: Well, I think the eyeballs maybe belonged to her.
JJ: And?
KC: I think one of them was a spare eyeball.
JJ: Enough with the eyeballs! (Taps her watch again.)
KC: Okay, so there were also these scraps of paper, you know, like backs of envelopes...
JJ: Don’t look down there, look up here!
KC: Sorry, your Honor. My grandmother was very frugal...
JJ: Take your hands out of your pockets!
KC: Sorry! My grandmother was, you know, interested in her family tree, and using her information, I googled some names and found out that we’re related to Nathan Hale and the Culper Spy Ring of lower New York State. They were the intelligencers who actually won the Revolutionary War. You see, George Washington was an astonishingly poor battlefield tactician, but he was really sly.
JJ: If I hear one more word out of you that doesn’t have to do with an answer to my question, your case is dismissed. Do we understand each other? Perfect.
KC: Well, I’m descended from the original patriots and it really tears me up that the defendant and her cohorts go around saying such stupid things and making my relatives look bad. Now, if you’d just let me finish up about the eyeballs...
Palin: Your Honor, I’d like to refudiate, if I may.
JJ: Excuse me?
Palin: I’d like to refudiate.
JJ: To refute, you mean? Or repudiate? Please speak English, madam.
Palin: Well, gee, I guess I’d like to refudiate your comment, too, Judge. I’m simply contributin’ to the livin’ language, much as Shakespeare did. I think you misunderestimate me.
[“Misunderestimate” is a word coined by George W. Bush, our forty-third president.]
JJ: I think that would be impossible, Ms. Palin. Please get to the point. (Taps watch.)
Palin: Thank you! I’d like to call my first witness, Christine O’Donnell, to the stand.
JJ: Ms. O’Donnell is a litigant in this suit. She cannot be a witness. Glenn Beck is your witness. Where is he, by the way?
Palin: Excuse me, your Honor. Mr. Beck is too busy teabaggin’ to appear in court today.
JJ: Really, Ms. Palin? Teabagging? Do you Teabaggers actually know the meaning of “teabagging”?
Palin: I object, your Honor!
O’Donnell: Sustained!
JJ: None of you seems to know your role as a defendant in a court of law, but at least we’re off the subject of eyeballs. (To bailiff) Byrd, call Ms. O’Donnell forward and swear her in. (He does so.)
O’Donnell: A pleasure to be here, Judge! I am not a witch!
JJ: We are not in Salem, Ms. O’Donnell. What do you have to add to Ms. Palin’s countersuit?
O’Donnell: Simply this, your Honor. That American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.
JJ: Sit down, madam. Byrd, get me an Advil and a glass of water. (He does so. Judge Judy takes the Advil.) Ms. Culper, regardless of your legal standing, I’d like to explore the complaint that Ms. Palin, et al, misrepresent the original Tea Party. Somebody has to explore it. Byrd, call Ms. Palin back and swear her in. (Done.) Ms. Palin, please explain to the court your understanding of Paul Revere and what he stands for in American history.
Palin: Yes, Paul Revere! He who warned, uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh, by ringin’ those bells, and um, makin' sure as he's ridin’ his horse through town to send those warnin’ shots and bells that we were gonna be sure and we were gonna be free, and we were gonna be armed.
JJ: Warning shots and bells, hmm?
Palin: Yes, upholdin’ the 19th Amendment.
JJ: Establishing women’s suffrage.
Palin: Exactly.
JJ: Sit down, Ms. Palin. I think I have just enough patience to listen to Ms. Bachmann’s testimony, but no more.
KC: I object, your Honor! What about my witness, Harvey Pantz?
JJ: Correct me if I’m wrong, Ms. Culper, but your witness, Mr. Pantz, appears to be a graying, toothless house cat.
KC: Not only graying and toothless, but also suffering from Feline Geriatric Vestibular Syndrome. Or, for a layman like yourself, ma’am, vertigo.
JJ: Perfect. Does Mr. Pantz have anything of substance to add to your complaint?
KC: Well, no, he’s just a cat. Although, since my sister maintains she didn’t throw those eyeballs away, I suspect Harvey may have swallowed them. And it was all I had left of my great-great-grandmother. He even ate the photographs.
JJ: (Takes off her watch and smashes it with her gavel.) Byrd, please call Ms. Bachmann forward and swear her in. I may be the highest paid television personality, but I deserve every penny. Sometimes I think even my forty-seven-million dollars a year isn’t enough. (Byrd swears Ms. Bachmann in.) Ms. Bachmann, I’ve read Ms. Culper’s written testimony, and I’d like to ask you a few questions pertaining to speeches you’ve made and interviews you’ve given.
Bachmann: Delighted, Judge!
JJ: First, please tell me the importance of New Hampshire in the founding of our nation.
Bachmann: Why, yes, New Hampshire is the state where the shot was heard ’round the world at Lexington and Concord.
JJ: Despite the fact that Lexington and Concord are in Massachusetts.
Bachmann: It was a very loud shot. I’ll bet they even heard it in the Twin Cities of Minneapolis–Saint Paul. Or anywhere in the sixth congressional district of Minnesota. It may even have blasted the windows out of the finer restaurants near the State Capitol Building. It was that loud. Such a shame, really.
JJ: Ms. Bachmann, did you really assert that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until slavery was “no more” in the United States?
Bachmann: You should know that, your Honor. It’s in the Bill of Rights.
JJ: Amendment number?
Bachmann: Six, I believe.
JJ: The right to a speedy trial.
Bachmann: Yes.
JJ: Not today, I’m afraid. And I had a hairdresser’s appointment at 2. One last question. Who was John Quincy Adams? You’ve claimed he was one of the Founding Fathers.
Bachmann: Well, of course.
JJ: Born in 1767? He was nine years old in 1776.
Bachmann: So?
JJ: Do you know the significance of 1776 in American history?
Bachmann: I’m not sure, but I’ll bet it has something to do with Elvis Presley.
JJ: Another Founding Father?
Bachmann: Yes, and without question an American icon.
JJ: I’ve heard enough. The court rules in favor of the plaintiff.
(The judge, gathering her papers, leaves the bench. The defendants argue among themselves about monkeys and evolution. Ms. O’Donnell, a lone voice in the judicial wilderness, raises the topic of chastity and the “m” word. Ms. Culper reaches into a coat pocket and, much to her surprise and pleasure, retrieves several prosthetic eyeballs.)