Note: Based loosely on the real Lizzie Borden and her family. Lizzie was accused (and later acquitted) of murdering her parents on August 4,1892. She probably did kill them.
(Time: April 1892.
Place: Fall River, MA. The cramped living room of the Borden family. Lizzie is a spinster in her thirties.)
Andrew Borden (Lizzie’s father): Plague monkeys! First it was your filthy pigeons, and now the barn is filled with coughing, nasty monkeys! From where did you acquire all these monkeys, Lizzie, and how in God’s name did you infect them?
Mrs. Borden (Lizzie’s step-mother): Mr. Borden! Pray do not take the Lord’s name in vain!
Uncle John (to Lizzie): I’d like an answer to your father’s question, young missy.
Emma (Lizzie’s sister): I believe he asked two questions.
Mr. Borden: God in heaven! Just answer the question!
Emma: Two questions.
Lizzie: I purchased the monkeys from a private zoo here in Fall River, operated by Joe Bizarro, the world’s leading figure in underworld monkey breeding, murder, mayhem, and madness. Then I let the pigeons and monkeys have at it in the barn, and they spawned a new virus, which felled every pigeon instantaneously, but the monkeys are hanging on with remarkable vigor.
Mrs. Borden: And now we are quarantined in this house until August 4, with no entertainment except a scratched DVD of Rise of Skywalker.
Emma: And no DVD player!
Bridget (the maid): What a glorious day August the 4th will be!
(Lizzie hides a secret, wicked smile.)
Uncle John: In the meantime, we’ll have to make our own Frappuccinos.
Mr. Borden (snappishly): Stuff and nonsense! You know we have no Starbucks in New England, only Dunkin’ Donuts.
Mrs. Borden: And we have no blenders! Unless John here wishes to claim he’s invented one.
Emma: What’s a Frappuccino?
Lizzie: I’m tired of this quarantine already. How long has it been?
Mr. Borden: Two-and-a-half hours, by my watch.
Lizzie: Well, that’s two-and-a-half hours too long. (Withdraws the family ax from beneath her skirts.)
(Time: April 1892.
Place: Fall River, MA. The cramped living room of the Borden family. Lizzie is a spinster in her thirties.)
Andrew Borden (Lizzie’s father): Plague monkeys! First it was your filthy pigeons, and now the barn is filled with coughing, nasty monkeys! From where did you acquire all these monkeys, Lizzie, and how in God’s name did you infect them?
Mrs. Borden (Lizzie’s step-mother): Mr. Borden! Pray do not take the Lord’s name in vain!
Uncle John (to Lizzie): I’d like an answer to your father’s question, young missy.
Emma (Lizzie’s sister): I believe he asked two questions.
Mr. Borden: God in heaven! Just answer the question!
Emma: Two questions.
Lizzie: I purchased the monkeys from a private zoo here in Fall River, operated by Joe Bizarro, the world’s leading figure in underworld monkey breeding, murder, mayhem, and madness. Then I let the pigeons and monkeys have at it in the barn, and they spawned a new virus, which felled every pigeon instantaneously, but the monkeys are hanging on with remarkable vigor.
Mrs. Borden: And now we are quarantined in this house until August 4, with no entertainment except a scratched DVD of Rise of Skywalker.
Emma: And no DVD player!
Bridget (the maid): What a glorious day August the 4th will be!
(Lizzie hides a secret, wicked smile.)
Uncle John: In the meantime, we’ll have to make our own Frappuccinos.
Mr. Borden (snappishly): Stuff and nonsense! You know we have no Starbucks in New England, only Dunkin’ Donuts.
Mrs. Borden: And we have no blenders! Unless John here wishes to claim he’s invented one.
Emma: What’s a Frappuccino?
Lizzie: I’m tired of this quarantine already. How long has it been?
Mr. Borden: Two-and-a-half hours, by my watch.
Lizzie: Well, that’s two-and-a-half hours too long. (Withdraws the family ax from beneath her skirts.)