November 12, 2017
Based on recent scandals in politics and entertainment, as well as an article I read yesterday about inmates' unruly behavior at Cook County Correctional Facility, I give you:
Order in the Court
(Setting: A courtroom, judge at the bench, jurors in the box, prosecuting attorney seated. A female public defender addresses the jury.)
Female Public Defender: So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, as this former NY assemblyman— we’ll call him Mr. W, because we don’t want to cause Mrs. Weiner further embarrassment—as Mr. W. has exhausted his personal funds through litigation over repeatedly sexting pictures of an intimate nature to minor females…
(Out of the corner of her eye, she notices the judge has engaged his hand in a rhythmic sliding up and down around an intimate area beneath his robes.)
FPD: Your Honor! Really? Isn’t that why the state provides you with a gavel? To do something else with your hand?
(Now she sees that the men in the jury box are performing a similar activity, but more visibly.)
FPD: Now, gentlemen, look. I realize why you’re doing that. It’s the body part that gives you the most pleasure, so you’re understandably proud of it. I assure you, however, that it is definitely not your most attractive feature, so I suggest you put it away.
(The female public defender turns and finds that the prosecutor is strenuously employed in the same exercise and taking no action to hide it.)
FPD (addressing all the men): Have you no shame, gentlemen? At long last, have you no sense of decency?
Various Men in Courtroom (tilting their heads to think it over, nodding satisfactorily, and all in agreement): Lady, this is what we do. We do this. And we’re going to keep doing it.
FPD: Good grief! This is why God invented pants, and you guys had to put zippers in them!
Based on recent scandals in politics and entertainment, as well as an article I read yesterday about inmates' unruly behavior at Cook County Correctional Facility, I give you:
Order in the Court
(Setting: A courtroom, judge at the bench, jurors in the box, prosecuting attorney seated. A female public defender addresses the jury.)
Female Public Defender: So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, as this former NY assemblyman— we’ll call him Mr. W, because we don’t want to cause Mrs. Weiner further embarrassment—as Mr. W. has exhausted his personal funds through litigation over repeatedly sexting pictures of an intimate nature to minor females…
(Out of the corner of her eye, she notices the judge has engaged his hand in a rhythmic sliding up and down around an intimate area beneath his robes.)
FPD: Your Honor! Really? Isn’t that why the state provides you with a gavel? To do something else with your hand?
(Now she sees that the men in the jury box are performing a similar activity, but more visibly.)
FPD: Now, gentlemen, look. I realize why you’re doing that. It’s the body part that gives you the most pleasure, so you’re understandably proud of it. I assure you, however, that it is definitely not your most attractive feature, so I suggest you put it away.
(The female public defender turns and finds that the prosecutor is strenuously employed in the same exercise and taking no action to hide it.)
FPD (addressing all the men): Have you no shame, gentlemen? At long last, have you no sense of decency?
Various Men in Courtroom (tilting their heads to think it over, nodding satisfactorily, and all in agreement): Lady, this is what we do. We do this. And we’re going to keep doing it.
FPD: Good grief! This is why God invented pants, and you guys had to put zippers in them!