The Cat-Files: The Truth Is Out There
But Cats Have Better Things to Do Than Find It
(written between 2001 & 2005)
[Henry, nicknamed the Bunny, was a cat first adopted by Laura, who later lived at Alex’s in Accord, NY.]
Episode 1: The Conspiracy
(Harvey and Pooka work assiduously to push the orange plastic ring from a milk carton cap under Kae’s closed bedroom door. They immediately retrieve it and push it under the door again. This employment continues until the cats successfully push the cap out of their reach. Kae appears and pours cat food into their bowls.)
Harvey: Oh! Good! Breakfast. I’m hungry!
(Pooka has already sprinted to the bowls and eaten both portions. When he is finished, he licks himself clean; then, he is ready to speak.)
Pooka: I heard them talking again about that big, white cat they used to have. The one abducted by aliens from the constellation called Accord.
Harvey: What were they saying?
Pooka: (shuddering) They were calling him the Bunny.
Harvey: Whaddya figure that means, Pook?
Pooka: Clearly they’ve implanted alien DNA in him, creating a surgically altered hybrid creature with the characteristics of both rabbit and cat. I believe they intend to breed a genetically corrupted race of mutants that possesses the more yielding qualities of both species.
Harvey: What’s a rabbit?
(Kae's Hubby appears and pours food into the cat bowls.)
Harvey: Oh! Good! Breakfast. I’m hungry!
(Pooka is polishing the bottom of the bowls. He licks his fur, visits the litter box, and grooms himself again. Meanwhile, Harvey, stretched out to full length, rolls around on the floor.)
Pooka: (twirling his whiskers) We have to do everything in our power to avert this conspiracy by humans to interpolate junk DNA into any more cats. Furthermore, we’ve got to rescue Henry, the Bunny/cat, from the aliens. Next, we’ve got to solve for the value of x when y is a constant and all other factors are shifting according to the gravitational pull of the moon. Finally, we’ve got to eat that dead mouse down by the furnace.
Harvey: (yawning) Do we have to do all those things today?
(Laura appears and pours food into the cat bowls.)
Harvey: Oh! Good! Breakfast. I’m hungry!
(Pooka has already emptied the bowls, then crawled into the bag of cat food and eaten his way out of it.)
Pooka: No time to lose, Harve.
Harvey: I’d like to start with that mouse, Pook. I’m pretty hungry.
Pooka: I sense skepticism on your part, Harvey. Either skepticism, or a dull, Bunny-like incapacity for understanding. My God! When you got up to use the litter box last night, you must have been abducted and implanted with your first dose of junk DNA! Or, as I said, maybe you’re just skeptical.
Harvey: I think you’ve cracked this case wide open, Pook. They abduct us when we go to the litter box. Why, I must have been abducted at least twelve times last night!
Pooka: I see that my cool, rational suavity has defeated your skepticism. Now perhaps we can thwart the alien invasion!
Harvey: Absolutely! Now, where’s our breakfast? I sure am hungry!
But Cats Have Better Things to Do Than Find It
(written between 2001 & 2005)
[Henry, nicknamed the Bunny, was a cat first adopted by Laura, who later lived at Alex’s in Accord, NY.]
Episode 1: The Conspiracy
(Harvey and Pooka work assiduously to push the orange plastic ring from a milk carton cap under Kae’s closed bedroom door. They immediately retrieve it and push it under the door again. This employment continues until the cats successfully push the cap out of their reach. Kae appears and pours cat food into their bowls.)
Harvey: Oh! Good! Breakfast. I’m hungry!
(Pooka has already sprinted to the bowls and eaten both portions. When he is finished, he licks himself clean; then, he is ready to speak.)
Pooka: I heard them talking again about that big, white cat they used to have. The one abducted by aliens from the constellation called Accord.
Harvey: What were they saying?
Pooka: (shuddering) They were calling him the Bunny.
Harvey: Whaddya figure that means, Pook?
Pooka: Clearly they’ve implanted alien DNA in him, creating a surgically altered hybrid creature with the characteristics of both rabbit and cat. I believe they intend to breed a genetically corrupted race of mutants that possesses the more yielding qualities of both species.
Harvey: What’s a rabbit?
(Kae's Hubby appears and pours food into the cat bowls.)
Harvey: Oh! Good! Breakfast. I’m hungry!
(Pooka is polishing the bottom of the bowls. He licks his fur, visits the litter box, and grooms himself again. Meanwhile, Harvey, stretched out to full length, rolls around on the floor.)
Pooka: (twirling his whiskers) We have to do everything in our power to avert this conspiracy by humans to interpolate junk DNA into any more cats. Furthermore, we’ve got to rescue Henry, the Bunny/cat, from the aliens. Next, we’ve got to solve for the value of x when y is a constant and all other factors are shifting according to the gravitational pull of the moon. Finally, we’ve got to eat that dead mouse down by the furnace.
Harvey: (yawning) Do we have to do all those things today?
(Laura appears and pours food into the cat bowls.)
Harvey: Oh! Good! Breakfast. I’m hungry!
(Pooka has already emptied the bowls, then crawled into the bag of cat food and eaten his way out of it.)
Pooka: No time to lose, Harve.
Harvey: I’d like to start with that mouse, Pook. I’m pretty hungry.
Pooka: I sense skepticism on your part, Harvey. Either skepticism, or a dull, Bunny-like incapacity for understanding. My God! When you got up to use the litter box last night, you must have been abducted and implanted with your first dose of junk DNA! Or, as I said, maybe you’re just skeptical.
Harvey: I think you’ve cracked this case wide open, Pook. They abduct us when we go to the litter box. Why, I must have been abducted at least twelve times last night!
Pooka: I see that my cool, rational suavity has defeated your skepticism. Now perhaps we can thwart the alien invasion!
Harvey: Absolutely! Now, where’s our breakfast? I sure am hungry!