More from that piece I wrote a few years ago.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
From the Bison Wallow, North Dakota, Evening Sentinel:
August 25, 2006
To the Editor:
I am the assistant administrative librarian at Marquis de Mores Memorial High School here in Bison Wallow, and I am tired of hearing complaints every day from boys and girls who don't want to go to school. When I was their age, I wanted desperately to go to school, but I was too busy marking cattle, even though I couldn't distinguish the top of the off side ear from the point of the near side ear, which led to major confusion at the 1947 Annual Livestock Auction, but the consequent loss of my Pa's cattle to our county rival, Major Pringley, of the Fargo Pringleys, is not really the point of this letter.
The point of this letter is that youngsters these days should earn the right to attend high school. The gadabouts who don't want to be there can go to work marking cattle, slinging hash, or flipping burgers at Cass County's newly renovated Dairy Queen. Our principal, Miss Grace Stickney, of the Grand Forks' Stickneys, is currently in traction at the Lawrence Welk Memorial Hospital over there in Cow City as the result of a senior prank involving three sophomores, a freshly waxed gym floor, and an overripe banana.
Surely the young ne'er-do-wells behind this incident would have done our school more good by marking cattle, slinging hash, or flipping burgers than by smearing a week-old banana just underneath the memorial stuffed bison head above the spot where Miss Pringley traditionally stands on game night to cheer on the Marquis de Mores Memorial High School Bisons' junior basketball team. Congratulations are in order for our stalwart team, by the way, who came out of the season with an unblemished record of zero and eleven, but that is not really the point of this letter.
The point of this letter is that teenagers should go to work until they are mature enough to appreciate school. Why, I was thirty-eight years old before I entered ninth grade, twenty-seven years after I’d started work for Pa by castrating our Holsteins, even though I couldn't tell the difference between a bull and a heifer. There were quite a few eyebrows raised at the 1942 Cass County Cattle Fair, but that is not really the point of this letter, and I do wish you would let me get down to business.
Here is my proposition: Governor Heineman—I didn't even vote for him, as I was confused about the location of the polls at our last election: turns out they were right here in the gym at Marquis de Mores Memorial High School—as I was saying, Governor Heineman should take immediate action to introduce my plan to the State House of Representatives in our great capital of Bismarck. The legislators may then run the idea up the Senatorial flagpole to see who salutes it. My hunch is that North Dakotans, in toto, will agree with me that the greatest cattleman of them all, Marquis de Mores, didn't lend his name to an institution of higher education just to let these boys and girls waste some very productive working years.
Sincerely,
Henry H. Hoppenhower, Jr.
NEWS FROM THE BOOK NOOK
AP— The Sacramento (California) Board of Education voted unanimously on Monday in favor of a curriculum change in district schools, namely, the substitution of Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree for James Joyce’s Dubliners in AP English classes.
Board spokesperson Susan Sharp offered several examples of pre-reading questions that are sure to engage bright twelfth graders operating at a second or third grade level.
“Will the celebrated bear extract the honey from the honey tree?” she suggested as a preliminary question. “Will Christopher Robin lend Pooh his balloon to float to the top of the tree?” she continued. “Will Pooh escape the angry bees? Will Gopher get Pooh into another sticky situation? Will Germany invade Poland? How many feet are in a nautical mile? Where are my car keys?”
More changes are in store for the language arts, Sharp announced. “Look for Nancy Drew and the Secret of the Old Clock to replace King Lear,” she told reporters. “AP class content will finally match the students’ abilities.”
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
From the Bison Wallow, North Dakota, Evening Sentinel:
August 25, 2006
To the Editor:
I am the assistant administrative librarian at Marquis de Mores Memorial High School here in Bison Wallow, and I am tired of hearing complaints every day from boys and girls who don't want to go to school. When I was their age, I wanted desperately to go to school, but I was too busy marking cattle, even though I couldn't distinguish the top of the off side ear from the point of the near side ear, which led to major confusion at the 1947 Annual Livestock Auction, but the consequent loss of my Pa's cattle to our county rival, Major Pringley, of the Fargo Pringleys, is not really the point of this letter.
The point of this letter is that youngsters these days should earn the right to attend high school. The gadabouts who don't want to be there can go to work marking cattle, slinging hash, or flipping burgers at Cass County's newly renovated Dairy Queen. Our principal, Miss Grace Stickney, of the Grand Forks' Stickneys, is currently in traction at the Lawrence Welk Memorial Hospital over there in Cow City as the result of a senior prank involving three sophomores, a freshly waxed gym floor, and an overripe banana.
Surely the young ne'er-do-wells behind this incident would have done our school more good by marking cattle, slinging hash, or flipping burgers than by smearing a week-old banana just underneath the memorial stuffed bison head above the spot where Miss Pringley traditionally stands on game night to cheer on the Marquis de Mores Memorial High School Bisons' junior basketball team. Congratulations are in order for our stalwart team, by the way, who came out of the season with an unblemished record of zero and eleven, but that is not really the point of this letter.
The point of this letter is that teenagers should go to work until they are mature enough to appreciate school. Why, I was thirty-eight years old before I entered ninth grade, twenty-seven years after I’d started work for Pa by castrating our Holsteins, even though I couldn't tell the difference between a bull and a heifer. There were quite a few eyebrows raised at the 1942 Cass County Cattle Fair, but that is not really the point of this letter, and I do wish you would let me get down to business.
Here is my proposition: Governor Heineman—I didn't even vote for him, as I was confused about the location of the polls at our last election: turns out they were right here in the gym at Marquis de Mores Memorial High School—as I was saying, Governor Heineman should take immediate action to introduce my plan to the State House of Representatives in our great capital of Bismarck. The legislators may then run the idea up the Senatorial flagpole to see who salutes it. My hunch is that North Dakotans, in toto, will agree with me that the greatest cattleman of them all, Marquis de Mores, didn't lend his name to an institution of higher education just to let these boys and girls waste some very productive working years.
Sincerely,
Henry H. Hoppenhower, Jr.
NEWS FROM THE BOOK NOOK
AP— The Sacramento (California) Board of Education voted unanimously on Monday in favor of a curriculum change in district schools, namely, the substitution of Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree for James Joyce’s Dubliners in AP English classes.
Board spokesperson Susan Sharp offered several examples of pre-reading questions that are sure to engage bright twelfth graders operating at a second or third grade level.
“Will the celebrated bear extract the honey from the honey tree?” she suggested as a preliminary question. “Will Christopher Robin lend Pooh his balloon to float to the top of the tree?” she continued. “Will Pooh escape the angry bees? Will Gopher get Pooh into another sticky situation? Will Germany invade Poland? How many feet are in a nautical mile? Where are my car keys?”
More changes are in store for the language arts, Sharp announced. “Look for Nancy Drew and the Secret of the Old Clock to replace King Lear,” she told reporters. “AP class content will finally match the students’ abilities.”